ANTM: Death by Booty Tooch

ANTM: Death by Booty Tooch

The number one lesson that ANTM teaches us each and every season is that we cannot, should not and will not disobey authority. Namely, Tyra Banks’ authority. If we do disobey that authority it means that a.) our heads have already grown far too large or b.) we have some sort of disability that does not let us recognize shining geniuses, aka Tyra Banks. Regardless of our reasons, if you, model, disobey Tyra and her infinite wisdom, you will—without question—be eliminated.


I can spot these eliminations miles away.


This week, the models learned that they would be forming girl groups and making music videos. Model favorite AzMarie is peeved because she would never form a girl group. She implies that girl groups are cheesy, and she’s way too good for the cheese because she writes some of “her own stuff.” This I’m-too-good-for-a-girl-group statement coming from a woman currently appearing on a reality television show that has also featured a judge who wore a bow tie that increased in size each week until it would have been fit for Bozo. Dignity is not on ANTM found.


Tyra came to talk the contestants about the proper way to “booty tooch.” If you don’t understand what that means—and I really hope, for your own sanity, that you don’t—it entails sticking out your derriere in a way that looks like you are in a fashion shoot, not taking a dump or trying to pick up a dude. That’s the way Tyra explained it, at least.


One piece of advice: when Tyra teaches you, be willing to listen to everything that she says with an unearthly amount of enthusiasm. Lay down at her feet. But this week, when Tyra told the contestants that she would teach them to booty tooch with training-bra-esque butt pads, AzMarie refused to participate. After she refused, we all knew she was a goner.


AzMarie pouts through the video session, which requires the girls to dance and mince through some rap-like “singing.” No surprise here: the U.K. girls are better because we’ve already sent AzMarie to the gulliotine. The editors sort of half-heartedly throw in Kyle’s poor performance on the music video set, but all long-time viewers know AzMarie’s fate is sealed.


In the end, there’s no twist, shocker, or lesson from Tyra about listening to everything that Tyra says. The one shock for me this week? I can’t get the stupid booty tooch songs out of my head.