I'm kind of embarrassed to say that I've watched every season of America's Top Model.  All 16 of them.  I would stop studying in college and run down to turn on the show in the darkness of my dorm's basement.  I can't stand Tyra Banks to such an intense degree that I have vodoo shrine to her in the back of my closet.  My friends and I can imitate quite a few of the models' quirks without prompting (I was run over by a car and now I have selective amnesia...remember that model? I know it's cruel to laugh, but ANTM inspires my bitchy side) Everyone has his or her guilty pleasure and this is mine.

That said, I am so excited for the 17th season, which, not surprisingly, I plant to watch.  The show starts next month, September 14th on The CW Network.  But this isn't any typical season (not that any are according to My Idol, Tyra who has instituted such groundbreaking cycles to find America's Next Top Short Model, etc...).  This one is America's Next Top Model All-Stars. You know you're excited. 

No, these models will not be shooting hoops to win the title.  I don't know how All-Star started to be an appropriate label for everything from reality show contestants to hot dogs, but I thought it was just for basketball? Tyra has proven me wrong again. What an innovator. Again, the skinny baby models (with a size-10 "big girl" probably thrown in for good measure) will model to win the grand prize of a photo shoot in Vogue Italia, $100,000 for CoverGirl, an Express Fashion campaign and a shot at being an Extra correspondent. 

It's funny that all these girls are coming back for another shot.  I guess they didn't make good on the tearful threats they made when exiting the show that everyone will see them again!!! Soon!!! We will see them again, but, sadly, it'll be on ANTM again, during which they will probably make another tearful exit-interview threat when they are eliminated again. Sigh. The world really is like a cheap amusement park's lazy river--no matter how times you go around in it, you'll find that you're floating by that nasty turd again. That's what I've learned from Tyra Banks.

Any who, the names of the returning contestants have been announced! Let's look at some of the crazies and unfortunately slighted models from the last 16 seasons.

Allison Harvard.  Allison received second-place on cycle 12 of the series, losing to Teyona Anderson, who I can't really remember, but I found a photograph of her covered in yellow paint.  Allison, whose eyes can only be accurately be compared to a lemur's, became an internet meme on 4chan called "Creepy-chan."  I wonder if this will help or hinder her CoverGirl commercial. 

Isis King.  Transgender contestant Isis so pretty and groundbreaking as one of the first transgender persons on cable TV.  I hope she does well this time because she deserves it for being brave!  

Lisa D'Amato.  Lisa is now 29 which is much, much too OLD to be a model.  I'm sure Tyra and crew will discover that Lisa is certainly too OLD when they have no real reason to kick anybody off. Then they will conveniently discover that Lisa LOOKS OLD.  She's also some kind of DJ, dated Robbie Williams and was on Celebrity Rehab and seems to be getting the limelight she wanted.  Why she wants to deal with anti-Christ/Tyra again is beyond me. 

Will you watch the 17th season of the show?